My Autistic Journey (English Version)

I had written a book, shared my personality traits, and shared that my art path is unique to me. Does that mean that I know who I am? I think so. However, after I came to the UK, I discovered myself again, deeply and painfully.

I like writing. While writing, my brain is very active and my thoughts are as fast as an eagle. But when talking to people face-to-face, I am not good at communicating unless I know them very well. I don’t know how to respond, so there may sometimes be silence in the air. What about when I speak a second language instead of my mother tongue in the UK?

All I can say is: unbearable!

Although I had been taking English lessons for more than ten years of schooling in Hong Kong, and I had entered an English secondary school, my speaking is basic English. I have difficulty organising sentences as if I’m a person who hasn’t learnt English.

I knew that I was not good at communicating. As many teachers said, I was a quiet person. Now, I understand that it’s not just my character, it’s that my brain is in a strange state when talking to people.

My brain is like an empty room. There are no words or information, just like a white world with nothing. If I finally find something in this room, it may be a wrong word or just a single word. For example, I said “Rubbish” but what I wanted to say was “Rubber”. I had to say “at the right-hand side” but what I said was only one word: “right”.

Again and again, other people waited for me with their intently eyes, as if they were patiently waiting for me to give an important speech. But the pressure of immediate responding shut my brain down. My brain stopped functioning, leaving me with no words to speak. But after a while, when I was alone, the correct words and phrases came out easily.

I was suffering from this situation because I didn’t know how to overcome it. I felt hopeless. If it was just a language problem, all I had to do was practice. But how could I train my brain not to become an empty room? I was down for seeing no way out.

I didn’t want to feel depressed or go on like this. Therefore, I thought that the first thing I had to do was let others know about my situation. Next, I had to prepare some conversation content before I met my friends, such as my activities last weekend. I don’t always do that, but I am willing to keep trying because I want to make more friends in this country.

A friend was so kind to encourage me when she heard about my situation. She said that I am unique. Yes, I knew that everyone is unique, but I didn’t understand how I could be comforted by “uniqueness”. What I thought was “I’m unique in poor communication skills”. Until I discovered that I could express myself normally in English, out of the state of “empty room”, and I finally understood the meaning of “uniqueness”.

While I got along with children or even taught children to paint, I communicated very well with them. My brain was not an empty room anymore. It was not because I felt comfortable when chatting with children but also because of my other unique trait: childishness.

I am in the world of children. I like the same things as them. Something I am interested in is what they are interested in. And I love to go into an imaginary world with them. I found that I can play with children and teach them, even in English speaking. A boy who was happy after painting class and said that he was over the moon. And a little girl who came to hug me for she had played with me a few days ago.

Because of the children, I now understand how important to be “unique”. It doesn’t just weigh you down, it actually makes you shine. I can express myself in a way that suits me. I can write, I can paint and I can express my mind through them.

I should be proud of being childish and artistic. Yes, I’m not just autistic, I’m artistic at the same time (the two should be related to me). I am good at writing (I studied Chinese Literature in university because I love creative writing), I am talented at painting, and I played music since my childhood. Writing, painting and playing an instrument bring me joy. It also becomes an energy that is pleasurable to others.

I need to deal with my communication difficulties, but at the same time, I have to value and affirm my strengths. I hope that I can grow better in my art world. As a result, every time I create, I spend more time doing my best, hoping that my work will be more attractive and energetic.

My goal is to brighten my unique journey. This is a wish for my Inner Child.

Remark:

The girl in the picture is E. Ding, a Little Red Riding Hood that I drew many years ago.

After so many years of intermittent creation, today’s E. Ding is going to be my Inner Child.

I’ll use her to create stories. Whether it’s about autism, or life stories in general.

Her stories, my stories.

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